love & war

"You have been entrusted with the heart of another human being.  Whatever else your life's great mission will entail, loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest.  Marriage is the privilege and the honor of living as close to the heart as two people can get.  No one else in all the world has the opportunity to know each other more intimately than do a husband and wife.  We are invited into their secret lives, their truest selves; we come to know their nuances, their particular tastes, what they think is funny, what drives them crazy.  We are entrusted with their hopes and dreams, their wounds, and their fears.  An incredible honor is bestowed on the one to whom we pledge our lives and a deep privilege is given to us as well."  {chapter two, love & war}

about a month ago  i went on a lunch date with my sweet friend michelle.  we ate sushi (i think i eat too much sushi..) and talked the afternoon away for three whole hours.  we talked a lot about marriage and our marriages and she recommended a book to me, called "love and war" by john and stasi eldredge.  i knew that they were the authors of "captivating" (which i started like 8 times and never finished) and "wild at heart" (which nick loved).  i didn't really have much of an expectation going into and had nothing to lose so i ordered two copies for nick and i to read together.  we had been talking about wanting to go through a book together and spend our time digging deeper into each other instead of posting up in front of the tv after an exhausting day.. which is too easy to get caught up in doing.
i am only three chapters in, but let me just say that this book has changed my life, the way i view marriage & nick.  after reading only the first chapter, my heart felt so full and i was so beyond encouraged.  i love when the Lord works that way and meets us right where we are, when He speaks through people to write books that speak straight to my heart.  these chapters are packed full of wisdom and john and stasi being so real and honest- no sugar coating.  since this book is so intense (and nick is one chapter behind) i thought i would take today to reflect on the first three chapters and really let them sink in to my heart. 
i want to share some of the parts that i highlighted.  (i'm a highlighter.. nick isn't. he feels too guilty to "mess" up the book :)

chapter one

in the beginning they recognize right off the bat how hard marriage is.  i went into it knowing it wasn't going to be easy, but that it, no matter how hard it gets, is worth it.  they share their early struggles and make you feel more sane for having some of the same ones.  

• "asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to blossom without sunshine and water."
• "because marriage is hard, sometimes painfully hard, your first Great Battle is not to lose heart"  
  chapter two
   
• "i prayed yesterday that God would come into our sexuality; I prayed that his glory would fill our marriage bed." i love this. why would we pray for this? it seemed kind of weird to me at first but, oh my gosh. God is the creator of sex and intimacy so why wouldn't or shouldn't we be praying for this?!
• "love and intimacy are the core of His being, and so He gives to each of us a heart like His.  When God does this, he reveals our deepest purpose- to love and be loved."
• "but love is more powerful than Satan thought.  God will not abandon his beloved, even though we have abandoned Him.  He comes for us.  He fights to win us back."
• "Christianity is the greatest love story the world has ever known."
• "The heart of a man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue... The heart of a woman longs for someone to fight for her, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to offer beauty... Notice how perfectly the desires of our hearts fit together.  Our souls are made for oneness in the same way our bodies fit beautifully together.  God designed us to bring one another passionate joy."  this might be my favorite.
• "I'll wager that 90 percent of the confusion, misunderstanding, struggle and disappointment in marriage is due to the fact that we do not understand what God is up to." 
• "God created marriage as a living, breathing portrait laid out before the eyes of the world so that they might see the story of the ages... It is a story of redemption, a story of healing; it is a story of love.  God gives us marriage to illustrate His heart toward us.  It is the deepest and most mythic reality in the world- that love is true, that God pursues us."
• "God uses marriage to bring us the possibility of the deepest joys in life; Satan tries to use it for destruction.  Without you, your spouse will not become the man or the woman that God intends him or her to be and the Kingdom of God will not advance as it is meant to advance... No one will have a great impact on your spouse's soul than you.  No one has greater access to your spouse's heart than you.  This is an enormous honor."
• "Of course loving costs everything- look at the Cross. But loving is always worth it... The devil hates marriage; he hates the beautiful picture of Jesus and His Bride that it represents."

chapter three

• "Marriage is the rushing stream God uses to shape us into more loving people."
• "He lures us into marriage and then uses it to transform us."
• "And what does learning to love look like?  Well, for one thing, it looks like compassion for your spouse's brokenness while choosing to turn from your own self-protective style of relating."
• "Understanding your spouse by understanding the unfolding story of their life is priceless."
• "What would happen in your relationship if you could both make the shift from 'changing you' to 'changing me'?" 
• "And we understand that there is no place on earth quite like marriage for the kind of transformation God is after."

 WOW. and that's just a little taste.

 after feeling so ministered to by words in this book i journaled..

One chapter in and the Lord is already speaking to my heart and giving me so much encouragement and hope.  I knew marriage would be hard, but I've never been married and so I didn't know what to expect.  Being married has brought out so much ugliness in my heart in the way i respond, it has surfaced my selfishness and put my immaturity on display.  as much as i try to deny it, i have fallen guilty to looking to nick for my happiness way more than i should.  nick is tangible and God is not which makes it so easy to stop trusting God sometimes.  i have always said that i will be a wife who loves the Lord more than my husband and i want so badly for that to be true...

When things get hard for us, or we get into an argument i feel so disheartened, i feel like a failure and i feel devastated.  i just want to be the best wife for nick.  i think one of the most beautiful things about marriage is that there is no hiding anything..  to nick, i am fully known and ever after all the crap is out there, i am still fully loved.  i have realized that love is messy and painful.. and refining.  God uses us to sharpen each other and the process more often than not hurts.  in order to keep Jesus at the center of our marriage we have to be intentional and it's not always easy to do but wow, when we let Him slip it's so obvious...

Nick's desires and mine are so different.  The way we both feel loved are completely different.  I want him to know me in and out, i want him to romance me, to be continually pursuing my heart, to validate my feelings and to fight for me no matter the cost.  i want to feel desired and beautiful.  i want to share every part of life and always be on the same page.  Nick needs to be validated as a man, and that he is good enough.  He needs to be encouraged and believed in, even in his wildest dreams.  He needs me to pursue and seduce him...

i feel a new season coming on, with so many unknowns, but i am really encouraged and excited about it.  i want to love nick like never before.  i want to become a better lover to him.  i want to keep learning him and everything in his heart.  i want to encourage and support him in a way that leaves no question.  i want to keep learning and growing."

as you can see, the Lord is stirring up a lot in my heart. 

people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  well, it isn't a cake walk but it's been the most incredible journey so far so if this is the worst then i can't wait to see what is to come.  between reading this book & spending the night at our wedding night hotel, listening to a million love songs, i have been pretty sappy and emotional the last few days.  i feel so honored to play such an 'irreplaceable role' in nick's life.  it's not something to take lightly and i have a lot to learn.  i'm so thankful for the handsome, patient, encouraging, loving, supportive, providing, and thoughtful husband i have.  the Lord has blessed me with a man with the most beautiful heart i have ever known.  i have fallen so much deeper in love with my husband and with the creator of love.